I have felt this is too important a subject to pass up, so therefore I'm quoting it
in my blog, particularly my responses, and one other's response to me, and mine to her. I am using initials or truncated names for a level of anonymity.
March 19, 2010 2:10 PM
I've NEVER been too Butch to fuck or be fucked. I like both. Maybe that's why I'm Butch on Butch. But even when I had a Femme lover, after making love to her, or at another time, I wanted also for her to touch me. My orgasm is as valuable as anybody else's, and I CRAVE attention to my Sacred Yoni, as much as I crave giving attention to another Dyke's Sacred Yoni, whether she be Butch or Femme.
I've never understand that whole bullshit that the only REAL Butch is a Stone Butch. To me, a Stone Butch are the ones right on the way to transitioning to FTM, and many, many have. Maybe not all, but they were the first wave of Butches who do, because of precisely this shame.
Now, if I'm into more casual encounters as a Top, I might not want to be touched sexually by other womyn, outside my primary relationship. I simply get too vulnerable. When I let go, and allow myself to be made love to whether it be with fingers/hand or oral sex, or both, it is a very intense experience for me, and something these days I want to only share with she who truly loves me, because I DO get very vulnerable. I'm not giving that to just anybody anymore. When I was younger, I did, because I was always so horny and passionate.
NOw my passions are deeper, and my vulnerability much greater to the surface, as well as the effects of being perimenopausal so it takes longer.
Sometimes I find it easier to give than recieve, but the Goddess of Passion, Uzume, Baubo, Shakti, won't allow me to hold out forever....I go in heat, and must be satisfied. Physically satisfying another won't do it for me, I also must recieve. I'm just not wanton about it, like I was in the past, in my 20's, 30's, early 40's.
I'm ALL for Butch Passion, and Butches recieving pleasure as well as giving it. I'm neither for a Stone phenomena or pillow princess phenomena. To me that is damaged, that one can only give, and the other can only selfishly recieve. It need not be totally equal 100% of the time, we all have our particular proclivities, but neither do I think any Butch should deny her basic desires for the sake of an image.
I cannot tell you how many years I went orgasmless in many situations, giving out orgasms freely, but not recieving them in turn, for just this thing around Butch image......finally I said "To hell with it, I want MY passion too!"
-Here's to All Butches claiming their passion, and fuck what others think!
March 22, 2010 3:01 AM
"Too Butch to Fuck?" HAHAHAHA!!! Love the title.
"Butch sexuality is the ONLY sexuality whereby the person is systematically shamed out of their sexuality in order to maintain their identity! It is an either or position. Either you are Butch with a dysfunctional sexuality that isn't much spoken of or you have a healthy sexuality and you arent a real Butch."
AMEN, Dirt! Butches are very much SHAMED out of their sexuality. I recently had an offline convo with a bitch about her Stoneness; it bothered me that being Stone is cool (it's just body hatred, same as my hibernating eating disorder). This is part of the reason why I won't claim FEMME-- I love butches but I want to FUCK my partner. In fact, I insist! A woman who won't let me touch her is not a woman I can enjoy having sex with. It stifles passion and intimacy. It makes ME feel that I'm foolish not to guard myself more closely.
Thank you for taking this on. I'd love to hear more of your thoughts on the systemic conditioning of butch body hatred and how it affects lesbian sexuality.
March 23, 2010 3:34 AM
Femme A. said...
Firstly, MA coming from a desire that is not strictly invested in a/the Butch/Femme dynamic has given you sexual experiences that few Butch/Femme devoted Butches allow or are given permission or a safe space to explore. Within the realms of Butch/Femme, there are restrictions, hierarchies, prejudices, definitions, re-definitions and a policing of all of the above, which does not exist in other lesbian space such that occupied by butch-on-butch interactions. Dirt is speaking specifically about the difficulty of negotiating sex as a Butch within the Butch/Femme world. As a Femme 100% devoted to Butches, I’ve seen what rigidity and policing can and has done to Butch womyn. The very sad reality is the worst crimes are committed by those within Butch/Femme communities that claim to support Butch identity and sexuality.
Ucp, your comment:
"this is part of the reason why I won't claim FEMME-- I love butches but I want to FUCK my partner. In fact, I insist! A woman who won't let me touch her is not a woman I can enjoy having sex with".
You have every right to claim Femme and just because you like to Fuck, does not make you any less of a Femme. I am a proud Femme and have shared great pleasure in Fucking, licking and sucking Butch womyn that have invited me to do so. Didn’t make me any less Femme and certainly didn’t make them any less Butch.
March 24, 2010 2:05 PM
First off, I have to say, I do understand the Butch/Femme dynamic. My last partnership of 5 and 1/2 years was with a Femme whom I lived with, loved at the time, and owned a house with, had friends over and entertained, and many things we did together. I never felt comfortable in the straitjacket of classic Butch/Femme dynamics as dictated by ANY Lesbian community. In fact I think the straitjacket is worse these days because of all these fractured Lesbian microcommunities.
Most of my dynamic has been in the leatherworld, and I've known many a Femme Top who has had her lover up in a sling fucking her....as well as vice versa, having the Butch please her too when her time came. I've seen that reciprocity, and ditched long ago that the fuck is run by the Butch only, and that the Femme is submissive/receptive and only recieves and the Butch only gives. I've known simply too many Butch bottoms, enjoyed their services, and seen their Femme Tops enjoy their services as well.
I've known many Butches with a healthy receptive Butch sexuality, who enjoy both Butch on Butch sex, or Butch/Femme sex, or exclusively or primarily one or the other.
I've known more Butch Tops who prefer a primary Femme lover, which she is usually dominant or the more aggressive partner, and who may have Butch bottoms on the side, or as a delicacy. But NEVER primary. Alpha Butches I guess you'd call them.
For me, I've ALWAYS preferred Butch on Butch because I like the equalness of it...but there's ALWAYS been strong Femme exceptions to that rule, like my lover at the time of 5 and 1/2 years...I like STRONG Dykes of EITHER type....not 'scared to break their nail'type femmes....tuff girls.....there's nothing sexier to me....she can work with a hammer and around the garden and fix things, like my former partner could do, but she could also cook, dress to the nines, and fuck or be fucked. Versatility. Not straitjacketed by fixed roles or expectations.
I've been out for an incredibly long time, almost 30 years, and I've seen things change and become more fluid in these areas, and I'm GLAD for it...that we don't have to be relegated to Stoneness to 'prove' we're Butch, or a Butch Top, or ANY of it. All I care is that they're bio female, a Dyke, and care about some of the same things I care about, and ALL WOMON!
And yes, I'm a Capital B Butch!
Forever and Always in all ways!
March 27, 2010 4:01 AM